fuck it how hard is it to find someone who helps you with doing the things as opposed to helping you enter the state in which it is impossible to do things 💢 💢 💢
@unspeaker
I see what you're doing there — you're covertly inviting unsolicited advice with a post criticising giving unsolicited advice 😏
(I hope this joke isn't too much, but if it is — sorry 😅)
nah, it's just that apparently i have to go through a literal fucking ordeal for the privilege to even have a conversation with somebody
easier when typing because i pause my breathing and not risk breaking down into uncontrollable weeping, screaming, sobbing, shaking, banging head against wall, etc
"working together towards a common goal" which is supposed to be an essential human experience has somehow always ended up like "allowing them to feed on me"
off to bum a smoke... 🚭
well, after spending 1hr in the aforementioned state i decided i deserve to get meself a whole pack
and there goes my 5th attempt to quit smoking for the year 💨
gonna be a right laugh if quitting smoking gives you schizophrenia. or me
s'funny because there's the part of me that wants to have, like, a "normal life"
and then there's the part of me that goes like "you've been to normieland how many times already? havent you learned that it's just cannibal vampire zombies sacrificing each other all the way down, except that some of them also have a sentient being trapped within"
and then there's the part of me that, y'know, codes, earns money, feeds itself, negotiates, carries around those other two dimwits...
@unspeaker
It's not like they are doing it out of intentional malice — they are just "acting naturally". If you play along with it in order to work something out in the short term, expect them to understand that you didn't like it, but let it slide, you'd be gravely disappointed later when they get used to it and start doing it more and more often.
Just like on personal level you have to establish personal space, you have to watch you work relationships to not get out of hand.
@unspeaker
It's not like people would become more understanding any time soon, so you have to state explicitly what you do not like. Of course fixing it at a later stage when they already got the wrong idea that you find it acceptable ain't easy — but not impossible and it's still better course of action than blaming yourself in retrospective for what you could've done. And it's better than relying on substance of any sort for short-term relief. Little-by-little it's possible to fix anything.
the problem i encounter here is that i was pretty much created in this "bad state" to start with, and grew up in a culture where it was normalized
the main things i internalized from my formative experiences are that there's no such thing as boundaries, and that communication is impossible
standing up for myself without being dismissed and/or screamed at until i'm a gibbering mess on the floor? inconceivable
much, much later i learned that not everyone grew up like this. THE FUCKERS
and then there's the people who went through much of the same but lost their integrity along the way, and turned into humanoid creatures that talk a mean game of ideals and compassion but act like you're torturing them any time you try to stand up for your simple right to exist.
11/10 manipulation, contagious, too.
@unspeaker
> 11/10 manipulation, contagious, too
Exactly! Another disappointment of mine is that manipulation also doesn't always come out of intent — people just get used to that, someone did it to them and they start reproducing it faithfully!
You can't even "relax" around these people and act in good faith like it would be comfortable to you — because they are going to twist that anyway, if you come up with an attempt to fix that, it turns into another device they use to manipulate you 😩
@unspeaker
Yes, more or less the same here — this is where the drive for being liked by others stems from. But in the end, even you succeed at that — the prize only makes you feel more hollow, because you end up being surrounded by the wrong people, having to do things that you might not like instead of things you enjoy, very unfulfilling!
Well, if we come from the same mess and to more or less the same conclusions, at least — maybe we aren't wrong this time.
@unspeaker
Damn, I still ended up giving unsolicited advice 😅, but I think I know what you're talking about and I think this has happened to me more times than I wish it had. True — acting more bold and establishing where you want to be with people early on might make some of them not like you, but in the long run it's a better strategy than getting along with the wrong people, ultimately losing motivation for it and sliding into a "bad state" of sorts.