vbhide @vbhide@librem.one

Welcome back, everybody.

For those of you who are here illegally, it’s a tradition at an American wedding for the best man to insult the groom. We call it a toast, because you have to be toasted to accept the honor.

For those of you who don't know me—and that's all of you—and to the half of the room thats perpetually squinting because you’re Chinese, I'm the Best Man. At least for this moment.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "How long have you two been friends?"

Well... that's a great question. We've been friends online for years.

"How many times have you met?"

Also a great question.

Zero.

That's right. I have never met the groom in person. In fact, until today I wasn't completely convinced he wasn't three jewz operating a laptop.

Most best men start their speeches by saying, "I've known the groom since we were kids," or "We survived college together."

I can't say that.

What I can say is that we've liked each other's memes for years. We've built N towers, shared thoughts on societies failings, complained about work, and exchanged enough memes that I feel like I know him better than some people know their own siblings.

I've never borrowed money from him, never gone fishing with him, and never been arrested with him—which, statistically speaking, makes me one of his least problematic friends.

When he asked me to be his best man, I was genuinely honored. I also thought, "He has a very small guest list."

I met everyone today. It took me ninety seconds. He's just an online nigger like me.

Now, people sometimes say that online friendships aren't "real."

Well, I flew here (he paid me to). You're all dressed up. There's an open bar. This seems pretty real to me.

As for the groom, I can honestly say he's one of the funniest, kindest, and most genuine people I've had the pleasure of knowing—even if our friendship has mostly been measured in Wi-Fi bars instead of miles.

And to the bride: thank you for confirming that he is, in fact, a real human being. We all appreciate the verification.

You have found someone who makes people laugh, who values his friends, and who somehow inspires enough trust that he convinced someone from the internet to give a wedding speech.

That takes talent.

Marriage is a lot like an online friendship. It takes communication, patience, trust, and occasionally pretending you didn't see the last message because you needed time to think of a better reply.

So here's to a lifetime of laughter, adventures, inside jokes, and always having someone who's in your corner—whether they're sitting beside you or on the other side of a screen.

Please raise your glasses.

To the bride and groom: may your love always have a strong connection, may your arguments never require a software update, and may your life together never buffer.

Cheers!

https://colortest.fun/

I watched The Bedford Incident last night. Fantastic movie–they don't make movies like this any longer.

Think Dr. Strangelove, but serious. A US Navy destroyer hunting a Russian submarine carrying nukes off the coast of Greenland.

Paying 19 cents per text message was actually peak society. Every message was a meticulously edited, 160-character masterpiece where you weighed the financial cost of a vowel.

cul8r!

😁😁😁

#archaeohistories

my cock is small but my heart is big (I'm vaccinated)

Not sure how we went from plain, straightforward words to LinkedIn speak but now you can use Kagi Translate to fit right into that crowd:

https://translate.kagi.com/?from=en&to=LinkedIn+speak

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
-- Donald Kaul

A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.