fuck it how hard is it to find someone who helps you with doing the things as opposed to helping you enter the state in which it is impossible to do things 💢 💢 💢
@unspeaker
I see what you're doing there — you're covertly inviting unsolicited advice with a post criticising giving unsolicited advice 😏
(I hope this joke isn't too much, but if it is — sorry 😅)
nah, it's just that apparently i have to go through a literal fucking ordeal for the privilege to even have a conversation with somebody
easier when typing because i pause my breathing and not risk breaking down into uncontrollable weeping, screaming, sobbing, shaking, banging head against wall, etc
"working together towards a common goal" which is supposed to be an essential human experience has somehow always ended up like "allowing them to feed on me"
off to bum a smoke... 🚭
well, after spending 1hr in the aforementioned state i decided i deserve to get meself a whole pack
and there goes my 5th attempt to quit smoking for the year 💨
gonna be a right laugh if quitting smoking gives you schizophrenia. or me
s'funny because there's the part of me that wants to have, like, a "normal life"
and then there's the part of me that goes like "you've been to normieland how many times already? havent you learned that it's just cannibal vampire zombies sacrificing each other all the way down, except that some of them also have a sentient being trapped within"
and then there's the part of me that, y'know, codes, earns money, feeds itself, negotiates, carries around those other two dimwits...
@Hyolobrika
Who THEY, carnal vampire zombies? 😨
hahaha what happened here
@unspeaker
I just honestly didn't get @Hyolobrika 's question 😅
Also, your client seems to autocomplete my name now to my account on my own instance.
Which could be a good thing were it not barely breathing, sometimes replies to this account → @m0xEE
get lost when it's under heavy workload 😩
@m0xee sorry about that.
i didnt really see what @hyolobrika wrote bc they seem to be banned and deferedated here?
so i looked at their profile through some other instance and, well, saw why.
but i didn't see their post - and somehow i'm still morbidly curious what the fuck they had to say to my persistent online meltdown 🤣
@unspeaker
> they seem to be banned and deferedated here
Fediblock moment 😩
> what the fuck they had to say to my persistent online meltdown
I don't think it is to mock you or something like that. Knowing him, it's probably a good faith question, I just quite genuinely "don't get it" 🤪
@m0xee i dont mind even if it's mocking, still curious :D
better then the mental adblock moment. like when you share with a friend that you are experiencing horrifying difficulties and they literally respond with "i'm glad you're doing ok bro"?
i've noticed that happening a few times when i've try to ask for help and moral support. a honest "can't help you there" would've been more healthy.
on reflection this was constant when i was growing up, and made me more than a little antisocial. and somehow other people weren't adblocked even though we had much of the same problems?
@unspeaker
I've always thought that generic words of support, without digging deeper, would feel lame — same as receiving Birthday greeting online from a person you barely know. Funny thing, I have a second faux Birthday date that I use for my online profiles to avoid this and back in the day even some of those who knew me personally who've been buying that and sending me HB. Once I had an idea of holding a party on that day 😂
@unspeaker
Back to "emotional support" and generic words — in my experience (and to my surprise) some people DO appreciate it, so now I say them myself from time to time.
Problem is — not everyone is empathetic or just perceptive in general (and I won't pretend I'm good at it either), so they can't even say those words properly — at an appropriate moment even. This is where it truly becomes a trainwreck! So maybe some of your friends aren't… distant — maybe they are like that.
i've only kept the friends that are pretty alright. i understand if they dont have the energy to engage with my shit. i can be a lot. i try to give back where i can, and also find it difficult to even have something to give back.
there were also some pretty insensitive mfs that even ended up benefiting from the problems i was having. difficult not to be vindictive and hypervigilant when you don't know where everyone's allegiances lie.
there's definitely a difference between support and help. i think verbal support becomes effective help when you actually know the other person and care enough about their situation to actually know what to say that actually helps the other person to make things better.
and there's a particularly vile species of vicious creature which gives you totally adequate emotional support while continually undermining you, until you begin to find yourself turned inside out.
since people these days prefer to not examine themselves or each other too closely, its pernicious activity can be very difficult to identify, counteract, or make evident.
@unspeaker
Could be the case for a lot of people — they are just scared that if they get invested too heavily, the person they support might become emotionally dependent on them, which should be okay with friends, but being handled without proper experience it might escalate into something really ugly real quick. With intent or not, but some people are manipulative, some have victim's mindset — you having good intention and not being able to hold this off, they might start leeching off you.
@unspeaker
Especially now — when some people can't handle even basic social interactions, they aren't confident they're up to this and feel vulnerable. Hell, I can remember avoiding my friend when he had lost his father — I did want to support him, but I've been in an unhealthy situation before, didn't want to go there again. Looking back I might've even done the right thing — we're still good friends, had I gone for it then and not handled it properly, it very well might not be the case.
@m0xee yeah, i've been thinking about that.
the first thing that comes to mind, of course, is this acting as a firewall against emotional manipulation.
there's so much of that stuff in the world. idk if everyone forgot about its existence it would disappear though...