Well, I'm stumped.
Mariadb keeps crashing. There were some obvious errors in the error.log that pointed to some issues, and I was able to resolve those issues. There are no longer any explicit errors, but every time the DB crashes I get a [Warning] about an aborted connection due to " errors reading communication packets"
I have absolutely context to work from here. When I google "errors reading communication packets" the results are, mostly, "this is hard to figure out."
THANKS GOOGLE